Do you feel comfortable asking your wife …

We were watching tv last night when Katy Perry’s Proactive commercial came on.

About halfway through the sixty-second spot I turned to my wife and asked:

Do you think she still uses Proactive when she has a breakout, or does she just rub a bit of Russell Brand’s cum on her face?

Kat’s response:

I was just wondering the exact same thing.


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Criminal State of Mind

Sexologist Wife:  Mens Rea would make a great title for a tv show in the Law & Order vein. 

Me:  If the show focused on women it could be called Womens Rea.

Sexologist Wife:  No, then it would have to be called Gyno Rea.

Me:  Honey, it’s pronounced Gonorrhea.  Aren’t you supposed to be the sexpert?

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Tears of Glee

While our child napped we snuck in a little Glee — which is not the same as sneakin’ in a little whoopee.

Both Kat and I cried.  It’s happened before and it will probably happen again.  Now that we have a child we cry fairly often — not daily or even weekly but definitely more than your average bear.

Usually we don’t sob.  (Note that I defensively scratched my balls and farted while I typed those words — I’m a man, damnit!) 

Mostly it’s just a few silent tears and a little sniffling.

Our child woke up just as we were gently ribbing each other about the fact that we were both wiping our eyes and dabbing our noses over a self-conscious bit of musical television.

I tried to explain to our little one — who doesn’t really speak English, mind you — that even though we had been crying everything was okay and that the tears had nothing to do with her.  As the words were coming out of my mouth I realized I wasn’t being entirely honest.  The tears had quite a bit to do with her.

It’s nice being married to someone who would rather watch Glee than the superbowl.

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The Pain of Giving Birth

My sexy-ologist wife wondered whether or not if laying an egg for a hen was comprable pain-wise to giving birth for a human.

I suggested that a more analogous pain might be ovulation.

I then proceeded to tell her that I didn’t find ovulating very painful. (It was an attempt to steer her away from pondering veganism.)  She didn’t find my insensitivity to the potential trauma of mittelschmerz amusing.

Her exact words were, “I’ll show you some ovulation pain.”

Then she attacked me with her ovaries.

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How badly will I mess up my child?

How fucked up will my child be if she has inadvertently seen/absorbed multiple hours of Keeping Up with the Kardashians and she hasn’t even hit a year old?

One might respond to that question with, “Only time will tell …” but I keep catching her “noticing” her own reflection everywhere — car doors, store window displays, bird baths, other people’s sun glasses — and have come to the conclusion that we may well be raising/creating a narcissist.

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Did you catch the swap?

When we arrived at the beach today I heard the following question coming from a rather well-worn silver BMW:

“Did you catch the swell?”

I looked out at the ocean.  There were waves.  I was dry, carying a board in a board bag — headed in the general direction of the ocean.  I was confused.  Apparently the swell was “on” and I hadn’t been on it; what the hell did he mean by “Did you catch the swell?”

As I attempted to make sense of his seemingly inappropriate question, before offering up a paltry “come again?”, I thought: Is he asking if I had an errection? What does that have to do with the price of tea in China? 

“Come again?” I asked.

“Did you catch the swell?” I heard him ask again.  I was still confused.

“No,” I answered.  “No, I didn’t catch it.”  I waved at him, half-heartedly and now totally confused.  Then I headed off to set up our little spot on the sand, shaking my head in bewilderment.

Does he know that my wife is a sexologist? I wondered as I paddled around trying to find a shoulder amidst the close-outs.

Roughly an hour later my sexologists’ husband-addled brain managed to piece it together.  He was asking if I had caught the board swap — which happens on the first Saturday of every month here in paradise. 

He saw me carrying a different board than he saw me with last weekend and he wanted to know if I picked up a new board at the board swap.  Duh.

Fortunately my answer was correct either way: No, I didn’t. 

He had no idea that I’m married to a sexologist.  Nor, do I imagine, is it likely that he cares.

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WWKD? (What Would Kermit Do?)

What would Kermit the Frog do with regard to the Katy Perry Sesame Street debacle?

I know that he produced The Muppet Show, but was he also a producer on Sesame Street — or was that show more about how he satistifed his longings to be a professional journalist?

Either way, the questions remains, would he have allowed filming to begin with Katy showing so much skin?

I’d like to think that he would have.  He was a pretty hip frog in his day.  I think he did a duet with Dolly Parton perched atop her bejeweld hooters on one episode of The Muppet Show, back when Lady Gaga was still a twinkle in her parents’ eyes (and her little monsters’ parents were a twinkle in their parents’ eyes). 

I’d also like to think that Kermit wouldn’t have leaked the segment to youtube before it’s original air date.  I’d like to think that he would have had the courage of his convictions and simply allowed the show to air to its expected and intended audience and not felt the need to test the waters. 

Having said that, in the early 1980s Sesame Street didn’t really have much in the way of competition.  There was no Dora, no Manny, no Yo Gabba Gabba vying for market share.  Kermit and his fellow producers were never forced to generate faux-scandal in an effort to bolster lackluster  ratings for their local PBS affiliates. 

Had the video not hit youtube first, after its intended air date, how many parents would have written into either PBS or Disney and complained about Katy Perry’s bossom?  It might have blown the minds of a few college kids in smoke-filled dorm rooms for a nano-second, but that’s about it.

At least this way, from what I gather, Elmo will have another crack at Katy — even if she will be a little less exposed.  With any luck the producers will ask Russell Brand along for the shoot.  I know he’s sex-positive, but he’s also family-friendly, right?

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